


All My Exes

by redeem147



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-07-06
Updated: 2003-07-06
Packaged: 2017-10-22 12:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/237800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redeem147/pseuds/redeem147
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy reminisces after the destruction of Sunnydale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All My Exes

Buffy watched the ceiling fan spin round and round. It was a beautiful room; a comfortable bed with fresh cotton sheets, a big antique dresser with a big round mirror. Kennedy's parents had been very generous, taking them in. She hadn't realized that families lived in houses this big. On the other hand, she hadn't realized that Kennedy had been more than her first name.

She didn't know what to expect, but she certainly didn't expect the casual acceptance of their motley crew. Willow had certainly been relieved. Her girlfriend's parents treated her more like a daughter than her own parents had.

They had a place to stay as long as they needed, with all they could eat and servants no less. Evil was defeated, good had triumphed, and Dawn was getting along very well with Kennedy's younger cousin. Not as well as Andrew was getting along with her cousin's brother.

Everything was wonderful.

She hadn't slept a full night since the world caved in.

The fan spun round and round.

What had she said to Angel? That she wasn't baked yet? She was feeling pretty half-baked. For all her talk about not being ready for a relationship, deep down she suspected that she never would be. That even if there were a world full of Slayers now, she'd been too deeply warped by being the One to ever be one of two.

It was over with Angel. She knew that when she kissed him. It had been nice, more than nice, for a few seconds. It had been high school all over again. But she wasn't that teenager any more, and she never would be. If she went to LA and they tried to start all over, would it make any difference? She didn't think so. She suspected that his kissing her had been more about reconnecting with the past too. There was something about him, an underlying sadness. She should have kept in closer touch.

Willow had said something about him. About his life. Something difficult he was going through. She concentrated, but she just couldn't remember what it was.

She tried picturing Pike. That had been so long ago, and when he found out how young she really was, he'd been off on his bike so fast that all she could see in her mind's eye was a blur. It was just as well. The gas jockey and the Doublemeat girl. Now there was a future. She bet Faith would have liked him.

She wondered how long that thing with Wood would last. For Faith, the last weeks were probably the longest term relationship she'd ever had. She was pretty sure a one night stand had been the longest relationship she'd ever had. At least she was ahead on that score.

  
Faith. One night stands. Riley.

She wanted to be an adult and say she was totally over her resentment of what Faith had done. But she also knew that whatever future she and Riley could have had ended the day he took Faith to bed, no matter how oblivious he'd been. She had loved him, though. What was there about her that kept men from believing she loved them when it was true?

Where was he now? Cuddled up in a sleeping bag under jungle vines, wrapped around Sam? She hoped they were happy. Riley deserved happy. Because whatever drove him to believe she didn't love him, must have been her fault. Because Spike didn't believe it either.

She knew how it must have seemed. There he was, dying to save the world, and she told him. What lousy timing. Of course he thought she said it so he could die happy. And in a way, she did. Didn't mean it wasn't true. It had taken her forever to recognize the feeling herself.

The guy who comforted her, made her feel safe, made her feel hot. The guy she wanted to be with. The good man she knew was inside him. Love. She should have said it in the kitchen. When he asked her if it meant something. Yeah, it ‘bloody well' meant something.

Angel was in LA. Scott was gay. Riley was with Sam. Spike was dead.

Maybe Parker was dead. That made her smile, just a bit. But she doubted it. Everyone had cleared out of town, and he was most likely off seducing some stupid, naive girl.

Spike would never seduce her again. Never whisper in her ear until her knees shook. Never kiss her. Never hold her. Never fight with her. Never snark at her. Never look at her with those ice blue eyes.

She tried to picture him, holding her. Tried to imagine the feeling of his arms, so safe and strong, as she drifted off to sleep. Sleep would be so very good. Daylight cracked through the bottom of the blind. Another wasted night.

She probably could have Angel if she wanted him. Maybe even Riley.

All she wanted was Spike.

And the fan spun round.


End file.
